eTip #644 - How You Respond to Conflict is the True Mark of a Leader

As a manager or leader, you’re going to deal with conflicts. There’s no avoiding it, especially when people work closely with one another. Some managers say they spend up to 25% of their time resolving conflicts between employees.  That’s a lot of time!

Here’s the thing about conflict: You have to take it seriously.

Employee conflict isn’t a distraction from your job. It’s part of your job. If you expect to work in leadership roles, you ought to get used to dealing with it. If you become a leader who excels at recognizing growing conflicts and diffusing problems, your team will always be more productive and less-stressed than other teams. Less stress also means happier teams, which I don’t know about you – but if my team is happy, I’m happy!

It’s easy to dismiss other people’s problems as “pettiness” or “drama.” We’re all guilty of that at some point, and we all have avoided someone because they “create so much drama.”

But that mentality doesn’t solve anything. It only isolates people. And isolation is not something we can tolerate in the workplace.

You might think “I can just fire people who create problems.” Technically, that’s a solution, but everyone has problems, so you’ll just create an environment with lots of stress and high turnover and retraining costs.

Imagine if you were struggling with a coworker and your boss said “Bob, stop being dramatic and go back to work.” How demoralized would you feel? You’d probably be browsing Monster.com that evening!

So, in order to resolve conflicts between people (whether it’s between other people or one of those parties is yourself), you have to assume that every problem is legitimate.

That doesn’t mean every problem requires a solution, or that every problem should be handled the same way. But it means that you must approach all conflicts with an honest attitude and a willingness to solve them.

For instance, let’s say Maria is upset that Jim uses her desk supplies and never returns them. Sure, her problem isn’t as big as, say, embezzlement or sexual harassment, but it is a serious problem for Maria that’s affecting her life and work.

Maria’s frustrating problem is probably manifesting in other ways, too. She may fail to invest herself in projects that involve Jim. She might delay responding to Jim’s emails or resist his ideas. There could be a general tension in the office that other employees can feel.  Passive Aggression at its finest.

So, Maria’s problem isn’t “just drama” because it can have tangible effects on your business. Plus, Maria is a human who is entitled to healthy leadership from her manager and a comfortable work environment.

As a manager or leader, avoiding conflict is always a mistake. Left unchecked, conflict will erode your business.

Leadership advisor Matt Myatt says it perfectly: “Conflict rarely resolves itself – in fact, conflict normally escalates if not dealt with proactively and properly. It is not at all uncommon to see what might have been a non-event manifest itself into a monumental problem if not resolved early on.”

So how do you do it? Start with genuine concern. Show both parties that you take the problem seriously and want to uncover a solution that makes everyone comfortable at work.

Second, have everyone voice their concerns. In many cases, you’ll find that some parties aren’t even aware that another person is upset. Jim might not even know that Maria is frustrated with his behavior. Simply making Jim aware of the problem will probably solve it.

Third, use constructive language. Poor language: “OK, why are you guys so pissed off?” Good language: “I feel some tension and want to help make everyone more comfortable.” Address the problem, not the people with the problem. Take your emotions off the table. You must be objective.

Fourth, provide actionable solutions. “Be nice to one another” isn’t a solution. It’s what we tell children. You must give people goalposts to reach. You might say “Jim, please ask Maria before you borrow her supplies. Maria, if you feel Jim doesn’t respect your things, please let him know right away.”

Obviously, that’s an abridged version of the process. We discuss employee conflicts in more detail in our Leadership Training for Managers course. To see a full list of course offerings – Click Here!

Here’s the most important piece you should take away: No one thinks their own problems are drama. No one wants to be dismissed. Everyone wants their manager or leader to take their problems seriously.

Be that leader and your team will walk through hot coals for you.

For more information, visit our website 

eTip #643 - The Truth About Communicating with Other Generations

If you look around your work, your school, or your social groups, you’ll notice a phenomenon repeat itself everywhere: We surround ourselves with people like us.

That isn’t a surprise, of course. People like us grew up in similar environments, liking the same things, and having similar experiences. We have similar tastes in humor, entertainment, politics, etc.

Often (but not always) this means our cliques are filled with people of similar ages. We know how to communicate with those people.

Talking to people our own age is easy. There’s no barrier. There’s nothing to figure out. Jokes, references, satire, innuendo… They are put out and picked up easily in conversation. Even body language and posture are understood comfortably.

But life doesn’t allow us to isolate ourselves amongst similar people. Often, we have no choice but to work and live alongside people who are older or younger than ourselves.

That’s a good thing, really. We should venture outside of our comfort zones if we want to grow. When you surround yourself with people who are different, you gain a unique perspective. Diversity breeds innovation, they say.

Without similarities to rely on, however, communication with different people can be challenging. There is no familiar ground to fall back on. Communication errors can happen. People might be confused or offended. This happens a lot when we talk to people outside of our age group, especially when there’s a large gap between parties.

There’s a lot of advice we can give you about dealing with each generation. We could tell you that Millennials are strong with written communication, so they prefer emails and text messages. We could tell you that Baby Boomers respect formality and appreciate having options. We could tell you that Generation X likes receiving and giving feedback.

But those are just generalizations. They’re true for some people in each generation, but what happens if you come across someone who doesn’t fit the stereotype?

The truth is that if you want to communicate with someone, you must learn their language. You can’t expect them to learn yours. Don’t assume you speak the same language just because you both speak English.

There’s a funny anecdote that was floating around when Facebook became really popular and everyone’s grandmother was signing up. It’s hard to tell if this story is true, but the message is valuable nevertheless.

An older woman was reprimanded by her family because she frequently posted “LOL” on sad content, such as posts about death, cancer, or missing kids. She thought “LOL” meant “lots of love” and was expressing her positive feelings. She was a new social media user. She didn’t speak the language that was dominated by younger people.

To communicate with older or younger generations, you have to learn their language. Not the generation’s language, but the language of the specific people you’re working or living alongside. The best way to do this is through constant engagement with other people. After all, the best way to learn a language is to immerse yourself in it.

Furthermore, you need to self-reflect regularly. If you didn’t understand something (like why that 20-year-old sends you text messages rather than walk across the floor to speak with you, or why that 60-year-old wears a tie every day), you should ask in a non-threatening manner.

If you keep an open mind and accept that everyone else’s language is just as valid as yours, you’ll develop skills to communicate with everyone.

Communication, after all, is the most important skill any of us could have. Everything else is built on top of it. Regardless whether we’re talking about our career, our studies, our relationships, or our community, we need strong communication skills if we want to grow ourselves and our organizations.

Speaking of communication, we would be remiss not to mention the Dale Carnegie Course, which is the premier workshop for people who need to improve their communication skills. It will help you or your team strengthen interpersonal skills, which leads to enhanced productivity and less stress for everyone. Check it out.

For more information, visit our website!

eTip #642 - Mindfulness and Focus: Fundamental Tools for Success

Most people in the world are reactive.

Most people wait until events happen to them before they respond.

They figure out how to pay the bill once it arrives, rather than budget. They fix the car when it breaks, rather than maintain it. They are caught off guard when they are offered a promotion, asked out on a date, or reach retirement age (who knew that was coming!).

Most people are responding to the world as it happens, not deliberately shaping it.

This is because most people aren’t mindful. They are not focused on what they want. In fact, many people don’t even know what they want.

You’ve probably heard jokes about people with “five year plans.” I admit those seem silly. Our lives aren’t goals on a spreadsheet, are they?

But those five year planners have the right idea. They are proactive, focused people. They have decided what they want in life. They’ve put it on paper so they can look at it every day. Most importantly, they get the satisfaction of crossing items off their list when they achieve those goals.

Whether you’re a student, professional, parent, friend, leader, or anything else, you have to figure out what you want so you know what to work toward. If you don’t set goals, all of your struggling to achieve is mindless water-treading.

Once you determine what you want in life, your next job is to list the steps you need to achieve those goals.

Let’s say you want a new car. Financing will cost $250/month, but there’s no room in your budget. Do you abandon your dream because it’s not possible? Do you mope around the house, lamenting about your poverty?

No, of course not. You have to be mindful. You have to focus on what you want. How do you secure that car payment? What do you have to do to make $250/month, or an extra $60/week?

A few extra hours at work could pay for that, or maybe a slight salary bump in exchange for some extra responsibilities. Maybe you could lower the payment with a longer term or negotiate the interest rate with another lender. There are lots of ways to make your dream happen instead of waiting for it.

The point is that focusing on the things you want is the best way to achieve them. If you sit by and just let things happen to you, you’ll never achieve your dreams.

It works the other way, too. Focusing on things you don’t want is distracting.

When we focus on criticisms, our doubts, worries, judgments, fears, anxiety, anger, or discomfort, we disempower ourselves. We end up accepting these feelings not as temporary states, but as part of ourselves. There’s a saying you’ve probably heard that’s applicable here: “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.”

Furthermore, focusing on what we don’t want doesn’t define what we want. This is a bad goal: “I don’t want debt.” That doesn’t put you on a path to having more money. It doesn’t even put you on a path to avoiding debt. Here’s a better goal: “I want to eliminate my debt.” Even better: “I want to save $10,000 this year.”

So how do you focus?

1. Recognize when you’re not. Take a breath and reorient yourself. Say “What do I want?” Then, “How do I make that happen?”
2. Before you take action (make a phone call, enter a meeting, attend a class, meet with friends, or anything meaningful), determine what you want out of the engagement.
3. At work or school, generate goals that solve bigger business problems. Don’t be reactive here just to survive the month or year. Think big. This even works with relationships, but be prepared to be flexible because you’re dealing with another person.
4. Put your goals on paper. They can be short-term or long-term. They can be as simple or complex as you like, but put them down so you can hold yourself accountable.

Focus and mindfulness, like other skills, can be exercised and grown. Over time you’ll get better at it. With practice, they become easier. Even more, you’ll be rewarded by their effectiveness and incentive to further clarify your goals and focus on them.

You’ll become a proactive person who shapes the world.

For more information, visit our website!

eTip #641 - If You Want to Change the World, You Have to Change Yourself

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

You want to make an impact on the world, don’t you? You want to change people’s lives, create something powerful, or solve a serious problem?

Most of us are like that. The size of our aspirations varies, but we want to make a difference in some way. We want to change our workplace, our home life, our friends, our industry, our market, or our community. A few of us genuinely want to change the entire world.

Look at some of the world’s most successful people – the people who made the biggest or most important changes. They aren’t so different than you or I. Biologically, they’re the same. They grew up in normal households with the same challenges and many of the same experiences.

So, what makes them different? How do people like Warrant Buffet, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, or our namesake Dale Carnegie manage to create profound change in the world, over and over?

The best leaders, developers, creators, inventors, investors, thought-leaders, artists, performers, and hustlers have one thing in common: They know how to change themselves.

Here’s a little story you might have heard before:

There was once an old man walking the beach. He came across thousands of starfish that had washed onto the shore, all struggling to return to the water. The old man was sad at the display, but he knew he couldn’t help them all, so he continued walking.

Later, he came across a young man who was dutifully picking up the starfish, one at a time, and throwing them into the water. The old man asked: “What are you doing? You can’t possibly hope to make a difference to all of these starfish.”

The young man lifted a starfish and tossed it into the water. “I made a difference for that one,” he said.

This story tells us that a difference must start somewhere. We can’t wait for change to happen. We can’t expect to make giant, sweeping changes. We must start with one change. Then we make another. Then we make another.

The first change must be your mentality. It has to start with a change in yourself. Are you ready to commit to the change you’re asking of other people?

The pay-it-forward movement is an excellent example of people making small changes that snowball into big changes. If you haven’t experienced a pay-it-forward moment, you probably know someone who has. With a simple act of kindness, one person can incite a wave of charity and generosity.

Changing yourself isn’t easy. It takes work. You must be honest with yourself. You can’t dip your feet in. You can’t embrace change only during work hours, or only when you speak publicly. You have to dive straight in. You must commit. You must live and breathe the change, even when you’re alone.

Don’t misunderstand us: You should not begin your quest to change the world by criticizing yourself or others. Complaining and condemnation erode relationships and divides people. It doesn’t inspire other people to become better. It doesn’t build anything.

Make the change within yourself, and then use honesty, transparency, and communication to spread it to others. If you want to start a charity, be charitable. If you want to disrupt a market, be innovative. If you want to create a positive environment, be positive.

Turn yourself into a little snowball of change and push yourself down a hill.

In time, the change you make in yourself will spread to other people. In time, you’ll make a difference.

For more information, visit our website!